Published On May 31, 2012
Yesterday, many people were both jokingly and horrificly considering the possibility of a Zombie Apocalypse. According to Gawker, there was the guy who ate another man’s face; the rumored ‘mysterious rashes’ that have supposedly gone unidentified; the doctor who reportedly spit blood in a patrolman’s face; a “disoriented” Canadian who attempted to hijack a plane; and yet another man who allegedly cut out his own intestines and threw them at officers in uniform.
Two important details to understand here: 1. Most of these occurred around the Floridian area-code, (so it may be wise to cancel that Miami trip for now). And 2. No women were involved in the foolish, goulish behavior. Could that be a sign? Women are immune to the powers of the zombies? Or are we just smart enough to protect ourselves from the movie-thriller-fate? Whatever the case, having a woman by your side at all times may be your best bet for now.
But in the meantime, preparedness is key.
Last year, the CDC raised a few eyebrows during its preparation weeks for hurricane and tornado season. First of all, they have what is called “Preparedness 101 Zombies.” Although serving as a fun and humorous history of zombies for the general public, today it is the root of even more inquisitive minds. Not to mention, in between the listed steps to a more safe hurricane and tornado experience, they found time to add things like: “although you’re a goner if a zombie bites you, you can use these supplies to treat basic cuts and lacerations that you might get during a tornado or hurricane.”
THERE WAS EVEN THIS [FAKE DUBBED] VIDEO OF THE CDC ANNOUNCING PREPARATION FOR A ZOMBIELAND!
So either the people of the CDC are obsessed with zombie movies, or they were on to it before all of us.
HIP HOP ZOMBIE TIPS– BASED GOD
Honestly, there is only one who could have known about all of this possibly-maybe-not-really-but-why-not-just-in-case pending zombieland– The Based God.
That’s right. You may want to start bowing down now. In his song, “Life’s Zombies,” he gave us a thorough understanding of what life would be like for the sane humans during the traumatic catastrophe.
Are you paying attention? Red herbs, blue herbs, and green herbs will be the key to your survival should you encounter a zombie. They are known as the main healing herbs inResident Evil. Since the origin of the red and blue herbs are unknown, you may just want to keep the most compact encasement you can of some good ol’ green herb… (reggie will leave you wounded with dehydration).
Need a flashlight to get inside it
Break through the windows
Go through the sewers
Sorry ladies, I would dread it, too. But it seems like the Based God is trying to tell us that not only will there by no electricity at the end of it all, but we may have to crawl in some very unpleasant places. Bring your rain boots, some comfy throw-away clothes (preferably sweats and long sleeves) and keep it truckin’ if you want to live.
But the fate is faceless
Ignorance and confidence, it’s the Ying and the Yang
Load the pistol up, I’m on the battlefield
Victory is half of the pain
In the most important advice yet, Based God reminds us about the struggles that come with winning a war–pain. Your fate may leave you faceless, as the horrific fate of Poppo (all jokes aside). So you need to bring your own gun to this battle. And if it’s one thing that lower-income neighborhoods have easy access to, it’s guns. So this time around–if necessary–let’s aim them at the right people… or people-things… or used to be people-things.
But Based God isn’t the only one spewing knowledge.
HIP HOP ZOMBIE TIPS– NAS
Also cited to give us a clearer mind of the situation, Nas‘ “Black Zombies” can give us an understanding of what has been going on for centuries passed in the Black community with zombies. Understanding your past will help enrich your future.
Yo, you believe when they say we ain’t shit, we cant grow?
All we are is dope dealers, and gangstas and hoes?
And you believe when they be tellin you lie, all on the media?
They make the world look crazy to keep you inside?
According to Nas, Black Zombies have existed for some time now. Although non-violent in nature, Black Zombies have been known as followers of the system instead of leaders of a new world. His advice in this message is clear: Don’t believe everything you hear. Educate yourselves. Now is the time to learn of the world on our own terms.
What would allow someone to be possessed by a zombie? Lack of spirituality? A calling to sin (through drugs and alcohol)? These are things we need to understand before moving further. We’ve been in a different form of zombie in the past, so why is there even a need to act as a real-life creation of one? Hmmm…..
HIP HOP ZOMBIE TIPS — LUPE & LEP BOGUS BOYS
Last but not least, the L.E.P Bogus Boys and Lupe Fiasco have acted out the possibilities through a game of role-play. From the standpoint of a running victim, a zombie, and a narrator– the three fates that we all may all have to encounter at some point in time.
Lesson number one is served by Count– these damn things are hard to kill. They are not human. Act as so. No need to run up to them with a gun. A gun is for protection. It may kill them, it may not. Try not to cause attention to yourself. GET THE HELL OUT!
Moonie speaks as the zombie and tells you this– they dont GAF! Similar to the same message of Count as the victim. They do not have brains, nor sympathy. If this apocalypse was to go down, this may be the only time hijacking a plane to a far away country may be considered a viable escape to exile. DO IT!
In conclusion, as Lupe tells it, ‘Don’t Worry! Be Happy!’ No need to worry yourselves about uncontrollable (government-implanted) forces of nature. Why? Even if all of these stories are true, and the worries are of substantial cautionary concern, all you can really do is prepare your mind and let it go. Don’t let it go so that it creeps up on you! But let it go so that it does not make you crazy. Obviously, it’s crazy enough.